9. Putting It All Together here.

Putting It All Together: The Expert Response

Sequence of steps for dealing with any difficult or negative behavior:

1. Ask yourself: Can I deal with it? Examine your state of mind. If you can't deal with the situation, disengage as quickly as possible. If you can deal with it, move to step 2.

2. Become the leader. Stand back, get your feelings out of it, become neutral. Think.

   • Be neutral--don't respond emotionally

3. Frame the behavior. Recognize the type of behavior from the child's behavior profile.

   • The idea is not to be surprised, confused, or thrown by anything your child does.
   • Remember always: Look at behavior, not motives.

4. Is is temperamental? Try to link the behavior to the child's temperament profile. If it's temperament, the response in such a case is management rather than punishment.

   • In other words: Can he help it?
   • Remember always: if it's temperament, then manage.

5. Is it relevant? If the behavior is not based on temperament, is the issue important enough to take a stand on? If not, let it go or respond minimally and disengage.

6. Effective punishment. If it's not temperament but it is relevant, respond firmly and effectively.

Notes on Effective Punishment

• If the child deliberately breaks a rule, he should be punished.

• If there is time, give the child one warning, but never more than one.

• Apply punishment quickly and briefly, without overexplanation or negotiation

"You know you are not allowed to throw your plate on the floor. Go to your room for five minutes." If he refuses, take him by the hand and march him to the room. Your general attitude should be firm and somewhat menacing. You can sound angry, but try never to lose control yourself.

Specific Situations

Bedtime

For a combination of reasons, Jason has been coming into his parents' bed for a long time. But now, at 3 years, 6 months, he will not sleep anywhere else...

Action: Understand the problem. Is he coming into bed because he is afraid? Or is it manipulation? (It may be both) Are you confusing bedtime with sleeptime? An irregular child cannot be forced to go to sleep, but a regular bedtime can be established and reinforced. A child's fearfulness can be helped with a "brave companion"... A doll can also be used with the "child as mentor" technique, in which the child is asked to watch over the doll... [Evening] Routines should start well before bedtime with after-dinner playtime, TV watching, and bathroom activities in regular order preceding a soothing bed routine such as stories, songs, cuddling, followed by bedtime (not necessarily sleeptime). A child may be allowed toys in the bed... If all else fails, you could try using a specific reward to establish the habit of staying in his own bed. If the child has a problem with nighttime awakenings and comes into your bed, reassure him but try always to put him back in his room. Do this in a brief, firm manner. If he is scared, stay with him until he settles down, but do not get into bed with him. Be comforting, but don't do anything to stimulate him.

Tantrums

Action:

• Classify whether tantrum is temperamental or manipulative
• Temperamental: handle with understanding of underlying behavior
• Manipulative: don't give in, try to ignore it
  • "When I say no, I mean it"
• If the child continues to tantrum in public, then remove the child from the situation (go home!)